Coming Clean: My struggle with my eating disorder

I honestly do not remember when my eating disorder started. Sometimes I try to think back to the time where I would actually eat a proper meal but my mind can’t bring up any memory of it. I tried to remember the time where I would not care about how much fats or calories are in a single bite of the meal that I was having. If only I could go back to the time when calories and fat content in a single meal did not matter to me because now I can’t sit down to a meal and mentally calculate in fear and panic about how much calories I am putting into my body.

Throughout the past year (meaning 2015), I kept my eating disorder very tightly under wraps. I’m pretty sure my eating disorder started in 2014 but began to manifest itself more in 2015. I refused to acknowledge the fact that I have a problem nor did I talk to anyone about it. Even my bestfriend did not know about it, and believe me, I tell her everything. Everyone thought I was just exercising more than usual due to my rapid weight loss because I had acted pretty normal and gave no indication that I had an eating disorder. I would go on Instagram and post pictures of the meals I had cooked for myself, or the meals that I was having outside with my friends. Whenever my friends asked me out for dinner, I would gladly accept with much enthusiasm but in my head, I would be mentally stressing out about how much food I would have to eat so nobody would notice that something was wrong. And the worst part was, after every single meal that I had, I would force myself to vomit it back out due to the guilt that I felt for consuming so much food.

But as 2016 approached, everyone around me suddenly took notice to my weird eating habits. Everyone began noticing how I would always say that I’m not hungry when we went out for group meals, or how I would always say that I’ve eaten at home (when in reality, I have not), or how I would only take tiny nibbles of the food I had ordered and then said that I was full (when prior to that I could eat a whole meal and more)  or how I would go to the bathroom after every single meal I had even though prior to the meal I was complaining about how hungry I was. That was when everyone began questioning me about what was really wrong with me.

“Why are you losing weight so fast?”
“I just saw you last week and I swear you’re much more skinnier right now.”
“Why aren’t you eating?”

Besides the amount of stress I went through mentally by myself, I wonder if the stress felt by my family and friends were worser. They saw me rapidly losing weight by the kilos everyday and are probably in a constant state of worry for me. What was weird was that, as my eating disorder progressed, I knew that I was already skinnier than I originally was but I kept telling myself that I could do better than that. In a way, I started challenging myself to how much more weight I could lose and began eating lesser and lesser to the extent where I would not eat anything for a whole day. I started feeling insanely happy when I could fit into a size Small when just last year I was a size Large. I felt like that was a huge accomplishment for me.

It was obviously toxic.

But what finally made me admit to myself that I had a problem was when I blacked out in front of my bestfriend’s office while waiting for her to end work. Lucky for me, she came down from her office just as my vision blacked out and I dropped to the floor. She asked me what had happened but I just gave her the “I don’t know what happened” look. But at that moment, I knew that my eating disorder was getting way out of hand and I still refused to look my bestfriend in the eye and admit it. Surprisingly enough, after that rather traumatizing episode, I began opening up to some people regarding my eating disorder. And it made me feel like little by little, the weight is being lifted off my shoulders. What I was so terrified to admit to in the first place is actually saving me from spiralling further out of control with my eating disorder.

Now, I still have days where I refuse to eat anything with the snarky voice in my mind telling me that I am fat, but I am slowly beginning to heal. I have begun to worry less about calories and am more about enjoying the food that is being given to me. I still worry about not being able to fit into clothes that are sized Small or Medium but I have been trying to let go of that as much as I could. I’m so thankful for the support that everyone around me has given to me and could never be more than grateful for them.

What made me decide to come clean with my eating disorder was the fact that for the past few days, I have been struggling with constant stomach pains only to go to the doctor to find out that I have gastritis as well as a stomach ulcer. Thankfully, it is nothing serious but for now, I do have to watch what I eat as well as to not be constantly skipping my meals. As for what actually triggered my eating disorder, that is a story that I would like to keep to within my private circle.

To girls out there who are currently struggling with your body image, please remember that there would always be someone who loves you for how you look, never go down the road of harming your own body because the repercussions are real and you’ll never know the emotional pain that your loved ones are going through just to see you struggle with accepting yourself.

 

#KeepingupwithNDownUnder: Day 2 – 29/12

You can read about my Day 1 in Sydney here.

For our second day in Sydney, we decided to tackle the Coogee to Bondi Coastal Walk. A little background on the Coogee to Bondi Coastal Walk:

  1. It is a cliff top coastal walk spanning from Coogee Beach to Bondi Beach
  2. The total distance of the walk is about 6km, more or less
  3. The whole walk features 6 different beaches and bays
  4. It takes about two hours to complete the whole walk (not including your self rest stops that you will definitely be taking)

I was so psyched to do the coastal walk when I first read about it during my prior research about the things I could do in Sydney (I had a whole list of what I wanted to do but ended up not doing most of it), primarily because we don’t have such a thing here in Singapore and obviously the coastal lines in Australia are far more beautiful. I wouldn’t normally want to walk more than 3km on foot but I’m usually more compliant to anything when I’m in another country (LOL) and I’m also more adventurous in another country than I usually am in Singapore. Probably because I’ve done almost everything I could possibly do in Singapore and have a thirst for more adventures in a foreign land. Anyway, we had intended to wake up early but ended up waking way later than what we had planned.

IMG_8056How beautiful is Coogee Beach in the morning? ♥

First order of the day, was to get some fuel for our tummies. I actually forgot what we had for breakfast (pretty sure it was something we bought at the supermarket the night before) but we set on our merry way into the blazing sunshine that is the Australian sun.

Pro tip (bolded for extra emphasis): Please PLEASE do not forget your sunscreen, buy one specifically made for the Australian sun because their sun is so much more damaging to your skin and me, as a person who doesn’t get sunburnt easily, got extremely sunburnt due to my foolishness. I came home looking like a burnt meatloaf and that’s not attractive!

So, armed with a litre of water, sneakers and workout clothes, our swimming necessities and a whole lot of faith and determination in ourselves, we made our way to the start of the walk. And we encountered some sort of rescue operation going on by the cliffs!

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Ooooh how exciting! I kid you not, we stood there and gawked like the tourists that we were for a few minutes and vowed to watch the news at night to find out what happened (we obviously did not watch the news that night because we forgot and also because we were busy watching The Office and falling asleep). Pretty soon it got boring because it was taking a long time and nothing exciting was happening so we decided to go on our way. First stop of the walk that we encountered was the Dunningham Reserve.

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I think the whole time I was in Australia, all I kept saying was “HOLY SHIT IT’S SO PRETTY”, “OH MY GOD HOW IS THIS REAL”, “WHAT”. #truth

I kid you not, the views I experienced throughout the whole walk was simply too stunning for words. After a steep ass set of stairs, we reached Clovelly Cliffs or also known as the Cliffs of Clovelly.

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IMG_8080Me and CT agreed that the Cliffs of Clovelly made it look like we were in Jakku (you’ll understand if you watched Star Wars)

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I’m pretty sure I didn’t take much pictures after that because:

a) I was on the verge of having a heart failure (exaggerated)
b) I was trying not to die (impossible, because I’m soooo fit, right?)
c) I was too busy enjoying the views and putting them into my memory that I didn’t bother to take my phone out
d) I was taking videos on my SJ4000 instead
e) Didn’t want my phone battery to die

3 hours later……WE FINALLY GOT TO BONDI BEACH!! I shit you not, I was so relieved to have finally made it to Bondi Beach and I was close to getting hangry at that point of time (we reached there at 3pm).

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IMG_8096Ah, this is one view that I’ll never, ever forget ♥ It has stolen my heart, for sure.

Once we got to Bondi Beach, we immediately went to look for food. Imagine walking for 3 hours?! Won’t you guys get hungry?! You’re all lying if you say that you don’t get hungry! I was absolutely famished and the only thing that kept me relatively full during the whole walk was the fact that I kept gulping down water, so that kept my stomach full for some time. There were a bunch of cafes surrounding Bondi Beach so we just picked the first one that we saw and went in.

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CT and I got a plate of fish and chips to share and I think we wolfed this down in such an ungraceful manner. We were really hungry ok!! After our really late lunch, we went off to do what we came to Bondi for…….we snoozed on the beach for hours. I didn’t get into the water because it was crowded (for some reason, Bondi was really crowded on that day) and I didn’t feel like getting wet (LOL). Decided to walk around after snoozing on the beach and found a burrito place! It was aptly named Beach Burrito Bondi and I was really excited because before that I was just mentioning to CT about how much I love burritos and that I would kill for one at that moment.

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That burrito was seriously the perfect end to a perfect beach day at Bondi.

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After our dinner, we decided to make our way back to our hostel, we had initially decided to take a bus back because I was whining about how tired I was. Well, the bus took forever to come (Singaporeans, stop complaining about having to wait more than 5 minutes for the bus ok! The buses in Sydney take up to almost 30 minutes!) and I got coerced into walking back to Coogee, the same way that we had came. Remember how intially we took 3 hours to finish the whole walk?

WELL, WE TURNED A 3 HOUR WALK INTO A 90 MINUTES WALK INSTEAD.

Why, you may ask? Simply because it was getting dark and there were no lights for some parts of the walk so we really had to hustle. And I didn’t mention this earlier in the post, but we also had to walk around a cemetery (which I was terrified about because it was dead (HA) quiet and it was so creepy). Needless to say, we made it back to our hostel all huffing and puffing, took a shower, put on Jersey Shore and then crashed for the night and it was one of the most blissful sleep I ever had (probably because I was so exhausted)! Moving on to day 3!😀

Sorry if this post was wayyyy wordy, I’m trying to keep it succinct but I always have so much to say about something. The next post will come up soon enough though, don’t you worry sweethearts!

PS: All pictures taken on my iPhone 6.

#KeepingupwithNDownUnder: Day 1 – 28/12

YAY DAY ONE!

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I took the red eye out to Sydney, which took about 7 1/2 hours. While purchasing my flight out, I very smartly thought to myself that I should take a red eye because:

  1. I would be able to sleep throughout the night (my flight was at 1am Singapore time)
  2. I would arrive in Sydney feeling refreshed (because I would be able to sleep)
  3. My flight would land at 12:35pm, which would give me a ton of time to explore Sydney (or the place that we were staying at)!

WRONG ON ALL COUNTS.

Out of the 7 1/2 hours I spent on the plane, I only slept for 2 hours. I spent 5 1/2 hours either trying to sleep (ooh did I mention that I had a wholeeeee row to myself?!), pondering my life choices, watching movies on my laptop (I was so happy that I had torrented downloaded a bunch of movies before I left) and reading a bunch of horror stories from the webpages I had loaded before I got onto the flight. Oh, I got myself a seat on the “Quiet Cabin” of Scoot Airlines and can I say: BEST. DECISION. EVER. MADE?! No screaming babies, no noise and it was just behind Business Class.

IMG_8006Check out that glorious sunrise!

MOVING ON.

I landed in Sydney feeling really hungry, grumpy and disoriented. But I was also really excited to haul my ass off the plane (sitting for 7 1/2 hours is no joke) but that excitement died down when my plane got stuck on the tarmac for 15 minutes. ANYWAY. Blitzed through customs and met up with my friend at arrivals who will henceforth be known as CT from now onwards. I read beforehand that taking a cab in Sydney would probably cost me a kidney so putting our trust in Google Maps, me and CT decided that we would take the train out of the airport into Central and then changed to a bus to take us to our accommodation.

Actually…………………………………………………………..we got lost at Central while trying to find the correct bus stop towards our accommodation. I swear to God their bus stops are super confusing but you’ll get used to it after some time.

Don’t think I mentioned this to anyone but we made the initial decision to stay in hostels (although we did stay in some hotels, will talk about this in later parts), partly because it’s much more cheaper and we figured that we would be out all day anyway and only needed a place to sleep at night. The first place we stayed in and what I thought was the nicest hostel/guesthouse was the Arden House Coogee, Sydney. I actually got this place by luck and let me tell you, finding a place to stay in when it’s so close to NYE is both difficult and really expensive. Anyway, I very obviously did not take pictures of our room because:

a) I was exhausted from my flight and lugging around my huge ass backpack
b) We decided to just crash
c) I’m not a travel blogger for this very reason, because I always forget to take pictures

Anyway, we booked the Superior Double Bed room with shared bathroom from the 28th of December till the 2nd of January. Actually it was originally supposed to be till the 1st of January but we extended our stay for one more night. The room was more than what we expected and although it only had a ceiling fan, it was so cold at night that we felt that we had AC in the room (which was a nice change from the blazing heat in Singapore).

After we crashed and took a short nap, we decided to walk around to get our bearings since we were going to be staying there for a week or so. Imagine how pleased we were feeling when we found the beach less than 5 minutes away from where we were staying!

IMG_8019I present to you…..Coogee Beach!

The beaches in Singapore looks nothing like this. It was supposed to be Summer in Sydney but it was still cold and the water was hella cold as well. But I really loved this beach, it was quiet and most importantly, it was near the place that we were staying in! Since the both of us were getting absolutely hangry, we decided to find a place to eat and stopped by this place called the Coogee Pavillion and I immediately thought that it was a super cool hipster place (it is something like Pasarbella in Singapore but way cooler). Walked around the place for abit (super crowded) and got ourselves a seat when I realised that…..THEY SOLD OYSTERS WTF. OYSTERS ARE LIFE OYSTERS ARE LOVE GIVE ME ALL THE OYSTERS!!!! (Obviously I did not shout this in the middle of the place but you guys have a faint idea of the conversation going on inside my head)

IMG_8041Look at these babies ♥ 

They were going for $3AUD each and we had two different types of oysters but I very obviously forgot what they were. But oh my god, THEY WERE SO FRESH. It felt glorious sliding down my throat and it tasted exactly like the ocean ok?! Man, I love oysters so much. We also had this amazeballs margherita pizza which was aptly named, Queen Margherita.

IMG_8045This was glorious and I’m craving for some right now.

Anyway. We didn’t do much on the first day because we were obviously super tired/jetlagged/disoriented/confused etc. So much for my super smart plan of taking a red eye and thinking I could have explored more. I shall now end this post abruptly because if I were to add in Day 2 to this post, it’s going to be hella long and you guys will get bored reading my nonsensical ramblings. I will probably be posting a few non relevant posts in between but keep a lookout for my Day 2 post!

PS: Isn’t my hashtag for my Australia trip smart? I was really pleased with myself lol
PPS: All pictures taken with my iPhone 6 because I couldn’t fit my DSLR into my backpack nor my carry on bag.

The 5 things I learned from 2015 (and 29 days into 2016)

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29 days into 2016 and here I am, sat at a busy Starbucks trying to churn out a research paper on a Friday night and having some kind of epiphany whilst I was people watching. How did I get here? Didn’t I just ring in the New Year in a completely different country, with a completely different group of friends, drinking cheap Australian wine and getting completely hammered?

I considered 2015 to be the year where I had to brave through a shit hurricane that was my life. Before 2015, I was relatively normal and sane. I had no depressing moments nor anxiety attacks before that. You see, before 2015, my self-esteem was slowly making its climb back up to what you call, the “normal ranks” before it plummeted down beyond saving. After what was a year of experiencing the shit hurricane that tore through my life, I could probably compare my year to Jersey Shore. Trashy as hell and certainly just a general shit storm (but still addictive to watch).

In the past year (and early 2016), I have reconsidered my life ambition (and career), fallen out with a few friends, got back together with old friends, made new friends, gotten into the path of a scorned (ex) lover, met a couple of douchebags/assholes, went on new adventures, gotten a part-time job which I love as well as seriously thought about not coming back home and living life as a hobo after the amazing time I had Down Under. Yeah, it was pretty much an eventful year for me although I’m really glad that it’s over. Without further ado, here’s what I learnt from 2015 (and early 2016) in which a shit hurricane blazed through my entire life.

1. Stop keeping your feelings to yourself, say what you feel.
In the past year, I have kept everything that had upset me deep inside my heart. I didn’t talk to anyone about it nor did I indicate that I was upset at something. So naturally, people walked all over me. When the fireworks rang in on New Year’s, I made a promise to myself that I would never let that happen again. So I started speaking my mind, but the downside to that was, I was also labelled as a bitch. But hey, that’s okay! I rather be a bitch who speaks her mind than be walked all over again.

2. You can make plans and be really organized, but be prepared for life to throw its flaming balls on you and burn your life to the ground.
I am by nature a really organized person, I like things to be placed where they are supposed to be, I make lists for everything and anything (Side note: I made an entire packing list for when I was preparing to go to Australia and I naturally overpacked) and I always need to know what I am supposed to be doing, where it’s supposed to be and where. I had an entire plan drawn out for what 2015 was supposed to be like for me but obviously it didn’t go as planned. I originally freaked out, but now, I’ve learned to sit back and loosen my grips on life (just a little bit).

3. Money is the root of all evil but having a savings account is a necessary part of being a “responsible adult”.
Saving money is an important process of turning into an adult. Go to the bank or speak to an adult who is successfully adulting, they’re going to tell you the same thing. I made a promise to myself to not center my life around money in the early days of 2016, but having a savings account is important for me to achieve and continue living the standard of life I currently have. Saving requires a ton of discipline but you should have a goal towards what you’re saving for. As for me, I think about how many burritos I can buy with all the money I have saved. And getting that Audi R8 Spyder could be pretty sweet too but that’s obviously out of reach, for the time being.

4. Never underestimate the power of prayer.
As I sat pondering over the mess that I call my life, I remembered one thing that I haven’t turned to in years. This could also be why I am in such a mess right now. I turned to God and turned to the power of prayer. I spoke to God while I was in a mess of tears in bed and lo and behold, my answer came the next day and I felt peace spreading through me. God is and will always be there for you, no matter how far away you drift from Him.

5. Take charge of your life, you are in control of it.
Decide each day how you want your day to turn out like when you wake up. Recently, I have woken up in the morning and will tell myself that my day will be wonderful and no douche can ruin it. And so far, it has worked. How your life goes depends on how you make of it. So, tell yourself positive things and positive things will start happening.

Bonus: Don’t be afraid to love, even when you’ve been hurt or if it’s not reciprocated.
2015 was the year when my love life went down the toilet. Admittedly, I was afraid to love again. After the whole scorned ex-lover debacle, I had to deal with the dark side of me that would scare anyone away. I started to love myself again after being repeatedly insulted with every single derogatory remark known to mankind. I learned to love everyone around me, no matter how undeserving they are of my love (Sidenote: I will still love an individual for themselves no matter how much they have hurt me or whether or not this love has been reciprocated. It’s dumb but it’s not in me to give up on anybody). And I started to heal from within. So my chickens, don’t be afraid to love, love is a powerful thing.

While I thought of 2015 and early 2016 to be a mess, I am eternally grateful for all of the life lessons that has been handed to me. I hope the rest of 2016 is ready for me, because I am ready to be the alpha female and kick its ass.

23 Days into 2k16

Woah, I can’t believe that it’s already the 23rd day of 2016 and it has also been 5 months since my last post on this page. Believe me, so much has happened in those 5 months which both completely changed my life and made my life better as well. I am also FINALLY, in my final trimester of Uni. It’s kind of a bittersweet feeling to know that my journey as an undergrad is finally coming to an end in less than 3/4 months but I’m also looking forward to see what life has in store for me after I graduate.

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Can I state the obvious and say what a dream Australia was for me?! ♥

If you didn’t know, I spent 2 weeks in Australia. Specifically, I was in Sydney, Gold Coast and Brisbane. I’ll be posting up separate posts so keep a look out for that! Beforehand, I never understood why my friends would keep on saying that they miss Australia so much even when they had just landed in Singapore. But now I know! Try leaving a place as beautiful as that after spending 2 weeks in it. Believe me, I shed tears the moment I sat in my seat in my return flight to Singapore as well as when I woke up and found myself in my own bedroom. That’s how much of a baby I am! Would I come back to Australia again? DUH! There’s many more things that I didn’t manage to do while I was there!

I would start on my Sydney and Gold Coast/Brisbane posts soon but I’m currently swamped with research essays, critical reviews, presentations and the likes. My final trimester in Uni is no joke, I’m excited to end but I’m also really overwhelmed that I have about 10 weeks left of Uni left. I’ll try to put up my posts soon (I know I always say this but it’s obviously a big fat lie lol) 

I Didn’t Mean To!

Woah, woah, WOAH

Did I just disappear from the blogosphere for over a month? Please accept my sincerest apologies. I was busy with school, assignments, finals and life generally. I am now on holidays for a few weeks so I finally found some time in my strict sleeping schedule to actually sit my butt down at my desk to blog. But I also have something to admit.

Besides being busy with finals and what not, I also got sucked into the world of…….. SIMS 4 (cue ominous music with thunder and dark clouds in the background). 

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Yeah that’s right, that life simulation game. The game I foolishly bought for myself for my birthday and for getting awesome results from my previous finals, the game that I had been waiting for, for months. I can play it for a whole day without having to eat or interact with anyone. It’s really bad I know. To anyone who has never played this game before, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. You will lose your social life or what is left of it, I should know.

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This was me since the end of my finals.

So anyway, remember this post about how I deal with stress? Since this was a lighter semester for me (probably my last, I have to take full loads for my last two semesters. SEND HELP), I only did one thing on that entire list. Which was, to take naps at any time and any day. I even took a super long nap on the day before my paper and also went to bed at night super early.

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xcuse me coming through, it’s time for my 5th nap of the day.

I don’t know what it is, but I feel that sleep gives you a sense of cathartic release. Or maybe it is also a super nice way to procrastinate (my bed always seems to be much more enticing than my notes are). I went to the library to study ONCE, I got sleepy so I gave up and went home. Yes I can feel your judgy eyes all boring into my wretched soul. I’m sorry, my naps are much more important and of higher priority. I was not that worried for my finals because I feel that, the key to you remembering everything is to actually pay attention in class as well as to participate in class discussions. Oh, and also to ask lots of questions. Which I do all the time, I also come home from class and review my notes for the day. It’s a strategy that has proven useful for me (smirking like an idiot while I typed this sentence).

On to other news, another exciting event has started in me and my father’s boring and mundane lives since the end of the Premier League 2014/15. Premier League 2015/16 has commenced!! (THIS IS NOT A DRILL!) No more aimless weekend nights for the both of us, no sir!

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And with that cliché photoset, I bid you all adieu!

All gifs are from here.

 

Why I Watch Football….

I have, on occasion, been asked, “Why do you watch football?” or “When did you start watching football?”. If you guys did not know, yes I do watch football although I do not advertise it as much. I currently support Chelsea FC despite all the comments and reactions that I get whenever I declare that. The Chelsea boys are my babies.

But I digress.

My father loves football. Absolutely loves it. Everyone as daughters know how hard it is for us to bond with our fathers. Fathers have completely different interests than our mothers. Which is why, daughters are much closer to their mothers due to the fact that they share the same interests.

I used to hate football with a passion, I found it boring. But as I grew older, I watched how my father would cackle with glee when his favourite club (Chelsea FC) would win matches or how he would yell at the television when some of the players would act stupidly. He would watch all these football matches alone, sometimes in the wee hours (because English football matches are held at 12midnight or 0345am our time). I remembered thinking to myself that I do not have much in common with my own father and that it is actually kinda sad.

So as time flew, I would sometimes accompany him while he watched. I would ask endless questions (sometimes stupid ones) about what is happening on the pitch. And he would answer me with never ending patience as he did when I was younger (apparently I talked a lot when I was a toddler). I now watch every single football match (no matter the time) with my father, no matter English Football, Euro Cup or the World Cup. I would wake him up for every single match that we are scheduled to watch. I would engage my dad in football banter all the time, mostly about his favourite team. We would talk about the transfer seasons and joke about some players. If you could see how his face would light up when he talks about football, it’s so wonderful for me to see. I know how happy football makes him sometimes.

So, this is my answer. This is why I watch football, to bond with my father.

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To my wonderful father, this day is for you! Thank you for your wisdom that you have imparted to me over the years. For the countless advices that you have given to me, no matter what situation. For disciplining me so that I would not grow up without manners. For giving me whatever I wanted, although it means you have to sacrifice things of your own. For your sense of humour so that it would keep me entertained (I also grew up to be a wise ass). For believing that I could do anything that I wanted.

Fathers are the silent heroes, always working hard to provide for the family. Thank you for everything Abah, I love you beyond words.